Freddy Krueger spotted in Chiba, Japan!

People seem to spot Elvis all over the planet. Well, I've found Freddy!

Back in 1984, the horror series "A Nightmare on Elm Street" was a huge hit. It featured the horribly burned Freddy Krueger. He would appear in your dreams and if he killed you there, you died for real. Well, yesterday I ran into my artist buddy, David, channeling Freddy in his hat and sweater. 9, 10, never sleep again!
Click to enlarge photo

And just for those too young to have seen Freddy on screen, here's the rhyme that went with the movie...Sweet dreams!

One, two; Freddy's coming for you

Three, four; better lock your doors

Five, six; grab a crucifix

Seven, eight; gonna stay up late

Nine, ten; never sleep again

A Day at the Office: Pattaya Beach, Thailand

My posts on this blog are often about places to work when you're on the road. My ultimate goal, of course, is to convince everybody that you can have a great time on vacation and still get more work done than you ever would at home. You just have to find the right place. One of my favorites in Thailand is The Pattaya Beer Garden.

My Office in Thailand: The Pattaya Beer Garden

I've recently returned from a month "holiday" in Thailand...if you can define a holiday as a month of 8 hour work days, 7 days a week. This sounds a bit like cruel and unusual punishment, but if you find the right place to get your work done, work does feel like a holiday.

So what constitutes "The Right Place?" Well, much like "The Right Stuff," that's something everybody needs to define on their own. I've met one or two traveling workaholics who like quiet beach resorts. Tried that. Got bored after a week. Not to mention there's rarely WiFi in places where all you can see are coconut trees and bamboo huts.

Personally, I like places that have a nice atmosphere, but music that's loud enough to both make me feel like I'm having fun, and to drown out the conversations of people sitting around me. And if you've read some of my older posts you know I definitely need a view of a beach -- nothing else does it for me. And of course cold beer for when the work day is coming to a close...and I know that I can do my remaining work even when I have a beer buzz going.

The Pattaya Beer Garden has it all. If you're in Thailand and need to find a place to both chill and do a corporate takeover, give it a try. In fact, I'll probably be there, so buy me a beer while you're at it for this great tip!!

So without further ado, here's a short video.



Need to see the map in the video again? Here it is:



See you there!

How to be an asshole at Disneyland

It takes some talent to be an asshole by accident. I've now done it twice...at Disneyland no less. There's just something about annoying young couples that brings out the worst in me

In my 4th year in Japan -- about 14 years ago -- me and an old girlfriend decided to go to Disneyland. The lineup for Splash Mountain was huge -- almost 90 minutes. And for the entire time we had a rather annoying couple behind us. Actually, the girl wasn't annoying -- just her date. He spent most of the time talking about where she should point her face so they could get a nice "kinen shashin" (記念写真) -- a commemorative photo of their date. So I was secretly thrilled when I saw the photos. I never would have bought this if not for the fact that I found it hilarious.



Check out how he made sure he had his arm around her (which is not easy to do on that drop off!) At least I was nice enough not to block her face out.

But then a few weeks ago, one of my oldest friends, Mike Kurucz, came to visit from Port Alberni. He wanted to see what Disneyland would sound like with everything in Japanese, so away we went. And once again we got a hopeful young couple behind us...and again the talk about the kinen photo. Luckily, being an asshole at Disneyland is something shared by all Canadians, and so we both managed to pretty much ruin the photo hopes of the guy behind us.



Interestingly, I just realized that my receding hairline was the same then as it is now. While it sucked having that hairline when I was young -- at least it's not getting much worse. Bonus!

And if you're wondering what Disney sounds like in Japanese, here's a clip from the electric parade. Who's kidding who, even at 44, I still love Disneyland!

Spring in Japan

I am an admittedly miserable git in the winter in Japan. It's cold here. There's no such thing as central heating. It gets dark before 5PM. And it's cloudy all the time. Then one day the blossoms come out. And the sun. And it warms up. As do I!

OK, I'll try to keep this one short. Not my usual long winded spiel. These pics speak for themselves. You can see what it's like around where I live.

First, here are a few pics from my balcony. You can see my cool made-in-china balcony table where I'll have my morning espresso. And it's just warm enough in the morning to start doing that.

Pictures not enough? OK, here are 33 seconds in living colour.

One thing I love about my apartment is that it's long and fairly narrow -- basically the same design as the short 5-storey one in this next picture. Which is basically the same as 99% of other "danchi" (団地) in Japan. I have windows on both sides, so I get direct sunlight from sun up to sun down.

Anyway, this next pic is from the other side of my place, from the bedroom window. The high rise buildings in the back are quite new and nice. It's like New York at night -- all lit up and gorgeous. So even with my low rent, I get a great view. They, however, do not. In spite of their high rent, they have to look at our plain-Jane danchi. I think I definitely have the better deal here.



And now a few perspective shots. These are from the road below my apartment. The first one is just a shot of the sakura trees. And the other pic is looking up at my apartment. I'm on the top floor on the leftmost end.

If you've never seen Japan in spring, think about taking a few days stop over next time you're flying over us. It's a fun place to visit!

NO REGI BUKURO

Japan is always said to be a land of contradiction. Foreigners also often say that they feel that Japanese society is a bit cold. Well, I found an example of both while going through the checkout at the local supermarket... No Regi Bukuro!!

Yesterday I stopped by the fairly large supermarket on my way home to get a few things. While waiting for the checkout, I saw a woman in front of me take a small cardboard sign, about 10cm X 8cm. and put it on top of her shopping basket. Hmmmm....what could that be, I thought. This is what it was:

The blue lettering at the top says "No Regi Bukuro"...ie, No plastic bags! Then in white, it says, "For customers who do not need plastic bags, please put this card in your cart." It's to promote the "My bag" notion of people bringing their own cloth shopping bags to reduce plastic use. I applaud this effort from a country that loves packaging. As an example, if you buy a package of cookies, each one will be individually wrapped in plastic. Several will be put into a larger plastic package, and several of these are put on a hard plastic tray. These are then packaged with the brand package. And all of this typically ends up in a plastic shopping bag. So by at least eliminating the shopping bags, they are 1/6th closer to reducing plastic waste. Kudos!

Now for my usual armchair critic opinion of this...

First, I think it's a nice example of contradiction in Japan. Not because of what they are doing, but because of how they are doing it. I mean, why create a dozen of these cards for each cash register -- using paper and plastic and paint -- for every cash register in every major supermarket in Japan? If people don't need bags, all they have to do is say, "No bags, please." Instead, they are reducing plastic in order to make more room in the incinerators for these cards. "Let's reduce garbage by making more." Ok, the cards are not used on the same scale, I admit. But the contradiction still exists, as does the foolishness of whoever created cards when all people have to do is say "No."

Which brings me to a small insight into Japanese communication. The cards are not at the front of the queue -- they are right at the register. In fact, you almost have to ask the check out girl to move your basket in order to take one and put it in your basket as she's already removing items and checking them. It's nice to know that Japanese people are equally cold to their own, and not just to the foreign community. I've been going to to the same sports club every week for the last 2 years, and still they greet me as if it's the first time they've ever seen my face. But they do that to the Japanese customers, too.

Interestingly, when teaching this kind of "transactional" language in English, corpus studies show that just as important as the language needed to shop is the language needed to small talk, as friendly interactions are a part of daily community life, even between strangers. I've found this to be true pretty much everywhere I've ever travelled. This shopping card device is almost an institutional encouragement NOT to be friendly, and NOT to interact verbally.

Never a dull moment in Japan, kids!

For the record, I would say that Japanese society is cold, not the people. As an example, a student of mine got a job at a family restaurant near the university, "Big Boy." I was in there for a few hours working on my computer late at night and watched the manager teach her how to serve customers. She had to repeat a highly formalized and ritualized set of utterances -- no room for smiles or anything but business. And she must have done it about 200 times. At school, she was a fun and friendly person. Lots of smiles. But to customers, she's a drone. As with a lot of service personnel, she's been more or less brainwashed that there's no place for civility in a business transaction.

I hope this will change soon!! I could use with a few more smiles when I'm shopping :)

How to wash your butt in Japan

Japan is famous for using English in ways that have no meaning in advertising and on T-shirts. While this Japlish is funny, I find myself more interested in examples of correct English grammar.

To quote a once-famous TV commercial, "You've come a long way baby!" When I first arrived in Japan, finding a grammatically correct English sentence was about as likely as finding a good espresso. They just didn't exist. Everything was a bastardized form of English known as Japlish. There are plenty of sites out there that contain some hilarious examples.

Things have changed since then. Every year more signs, menus, instructions are at least grammatically correct. But I still find them pretty hilarious. For instance, I got a kick out of these explanations at a "washlet" toilet in Narita International Airport. For those of you who have never been to Japan, a washlet is a toilet with a heated seat and a rocket-ship control panel beside it that allows you to shoot warm water to clean your bum (you can, of course, control the temperature). You can then turn on an air dryer that dries you off. No chafing, no fuss, no muss. It's like a car wash for your ass.

Anyway, I found the explanation hilariously literal, especially the "washing the rear" and "rear washing stopped." It's quite typically Japanese to give too much information, to the point where it's almost insulting. Great vocabulary choices, however.

Advertising has also changed. (Almost) gone are the days of strings of "feel good" words like, Fuzzy furry bunnies we are love to everyone with happy dream. Now you can read complete sentences. But it still maintains a certain Japanese flair to it. Like, f'rinstance, this can of chu-hai. Chu-hai is a mix of Korean sho-chu alcohol with some kind of fruit mix. Yes, it's a bit foofy, but they go down as easy as fruit juice, and I can count it as a serving of fruit, as they have grapefruit chunks in them. Nutritionally intoxicating!


While the main slogan was fine, "Enjoy the refreshing real Japanese taste," I found the subtext on the "Samurai Chu-Hi" to be pretty chucklatious: "A samurai never breaks his word." The implication here is that if you drink this, you will have all of the character and integrity of a Japanese Samurai. And all the marketing savvy of an company that puts their most ethnically distinctive label on a can of Korean alcohol. Kudos!


OK, now that I'm writing all this here, it's lost its initial humorous impact, which probably means I was already nutritionally intoxicated when I wrote it. I'll try to find something a bit more refreshingly real to post next time around.

STOP THE PRESSES!

OK, I think I spoke too soon. Here's a sign from the bathroom in the city hall building I found today. Looks like they have a ways to go still.

And shortly after leaving city hall, I went to Starbucks where a girl was wearing a sweatshirt with grammatically perfect, but nevertheless wacky Japanese.

Ravishing Virgins Are of The Same Mind

A perfect candidate sentence to prove why Chomsky's Transformational Generative Grammar is bullocks.

Japanese Taxes: What do I get for my tax yen?

I recently complained in a blog entry about the huge waste of taxes being used to support an amazingly inefficient public sector. And so it was an ironic turn of events when I found myself seeing the benefits of my taxes even as I was on my way to pay a late tax claim.

In a recent blog entry I tore a strip out of the inefficiency of the Japanese public sector. Having to watch 11 people getting paid to do one address change for me was just too annoying to ignore. So you can imagine my frustration when I got my notice a few months ago that the Oami tax office had neglected to take almost $5,000 of taxes from my pay a few years ago. I found out this gem when I was in getting the papers I needed to apply for my permanent residence visa. There's nothing quite so infuriating as paying a lump sum of cash at an office where half of the staff is chatting, slurping noodles at their desk, and mistakes are made at every turn.

But then I had a small revelation. And it came, rather coincidentally, when I was taking out money to pay this very tax bill. How much money? Well, as shown in the photo, it was about $2,500 (￥250,000) for this installment. Is this a lot of money? Well, it's not chicken feed, but it's not a lot...not in Japan. What is notable about this photo is that it is not a check or a bank transfer. It’s cash. Cold, hard cash that I withdrew from a convenience store ATM. At midnight, no less. And I put it in my wallet and walked home. Alone. Can you imagine doing that in any other country in the world? I certainly can’t. Not without an armed escort, anyway. But in Japan, walking around with cash is no problem because Japan is so safe.

Ok, I admit. I was careful when I took the money out, thanks to my residual paranoia from being raised in a country where most people won’t even walk around with $250 in their wallet, let alone $2,500. So I made sure that the 7-eleven was mostly empty when I took out the money, and I did keep an eye on one guy who happened to be walking about 100m behind me. But mostly what was on my mind was, "Holy shit! I would NEVER do this in another country." It was a reminder that Japan is safe. It's so safe that I don't even think about it. Indeed, if you asked a Japanese person what are the "safe" and "unsafe" parts of Tokyo, I don't think they could give you an answer. Every place is safe. At least out on the streets. A lot of people seem to knife and hack their family and neighbors up in the privacy of their own home, but if you're walking in public, you can do so with no worries.

So I suppose in the end, I have something to be thankful about my tax money, or at least for having chosen to spend most of my adult life in Japan. In fact, it was really painful paying this tax bill. But I have to remember that I'm not just paying the salary of the guy with the 60s' hairdo picking his nose over his noodles at his desk at the Ooami Tax Office (yes, witnessed with my own eyes), I'm also paying for a system that allows me to work in a safe and secure environment. And you can't put a price on safety. So thanks for that one Japan. I owe you.

Idiot Gaijin

Many of my posts are observations about modern Japanese society from the point of view of a foreign resident. This time, I'm turning the gun on my own kind...IDIOT GAIJIN

Today I was watching some news online only to find this video about an IDIOT GAIJIN who went swimming in the moat around the Imperial Palace in Tokyo...NAKED. Yes, this is the palace of the very much loved and respected Japanese Emperor Akihito and the Imperial Family. I can hardly think of a more insulting and disrespectful thing that a foreigner could do in Japan. But it's a testament to just how forgiving our Japanese hosts are that nobody shot or beat the guy. In fact, the one man they interviewed was so reserved, I realized how lucky we are here some times, and just how patient the locals are when we do IDIOTIC things (and all of us gaijin here do stupid shit from time to time; I'm no exception).

Here's the video (it's from Reuters so give it about 40 seconds before it shows on the screen).

NEWSFLASH FOR SIMILAR IDIOT GAIJIN:
Japan is our home too. And most of us living here try our best to at least SHOW respect, even if we are critical at times. Every time an IDIOT GAIJIN decides to make a huge shouting scene in public, or hit a car on the hood that's driven too close or decides to get butt naked and take a dip in the Imperial Family's back yard, you are insulting the Japanese. And that's just rude. If you're crazy, then get your pasty white ass out of Japan and back to whatever country didn't want you in the first place.

In addition to just being a moron, this IDIOT GAIJIN raised racial tension with one stupid act on national television. As many foreign residents write about in blogs, it can be VERY difficult to live in Japan sometimes when you're not Japanese. One of my colleagues recently was on the verge of signing a rental agreement when the landlord suddenly decided that she just didn't want a "gaijin" living in her apartment. Imagine the shit that would hit the fan in Canada if some white guy said, "Sorry, no Asians allowed." You'd be sued in a heartbeat. But here in Japan, it's par for the course.

And in a more recent example, today I went into the AEON bank to ask about getting a home loan for the apartment I want to buy. A very modest loan on a very cheap apartment. They kindly explained everything to me...but in the end said that I had to wait until I got a permanent residence status before I could apply. The fact that I have been here for 17 years, have a steady job and I make three times as much as most of the young salarymen they typically lend insane amounts of money to means nothing. I'm not Japanese. End of story. Did I get angry? Not at all. They were super nice to me, and this is Japan. If I don't like it, then I can get my pasty white ass back to Canada. Do I wish this situation would change? Yes, 100%. But it will NEVER change as long as fucking idiots like this Spanish pendejo retard keep doing stunts like this in Japan.

I'm embarrassed to be thought of as being the same as this chingon. I almost don't want to leave my apartment today. What a jackass!

The Japanese recession explained!

Japan has been in a prolonged stagnant economy since I first arrived here 17 years ago. Even the global economic boom of the mid 2000's didn't help. The Economist says that the never-ending financial funk is because "the other main pillar of demand -- private consumption -- seems in no position to take up the slack... contracting by 0.5% in the second quarter." Hey, don't blame the consumer! Blame it on the daily practices of local businesses, who seem to be the only on the planet who have never heard the catch phrase, "Volume, volume, volume!!"

One of the unique things about Japanese consumer goods is that they rarely aim at volume sales. Instead, most stores aim at selling just a few products, but at a ridiculous profit margin. Need proof? Check out the price of this Mango, which I found at the airport this year down in Kagoshima (southern Japan).

Yes, you're seeing that correctly -- that's $200 for a freakin' mango! And it doesn't contain a hidden diamond or a small stash of cocaine. It's just a beautiful, perfectly overpriced piece of fruit. And somebody will pay for this insanely value added item to bring as a souvenir to impress some boss who probably doesn't even like mango. But it's expensive, which in Japan, means it must be good.

OK, that may be a bad example. Most people don't buy this kind of fruit any more. So let's look at something more normal. Take pizza, for example. A large pizza here at any delivery place typically costs about $US30. Even for my relatively cheap all-time favourite, Ham and Pineapple, it's $27. That's a lot of money for discount pizza compared to the rest of the world. This is particularly true for for students and pathetic bachelors, the target audience of any respectable pizza place. This would explain why I've never been to a home party where people just order pizza. It's too expensive.

Enter my old friend Saki, who used to work for an ad agency. On a group ski vacation, she once asked the foreigners in the group for an idea of how to make her client, Pizza Hut, more competitive in Japan. As we guessed, they had the same slumping sales as every other pizza place. Why? Because they have virtually the same menu, pricing structure and promotions as every other pizza place in town. So we suggested they do 2-for-1. Try to win the market share by going for lower profit margin, but with huge volume sales -- which was very successful for many smaller pizza places in North America. "No, we can't do that here in Japan," was the only answer we got. And so the recession rolls along unimpeded. And we continue to order our pizza at COSTCO, where we get a extremely tasty HUGE pizza for about $US13.

Eventually, I started seeing "W" (double) sizes on menus and pitchers of beer in bars. "Things are looking up, " I thought. But when we did the math, we saw that a 0.5 liter beer was 500 yen. And a 2 liter pitcher was 2,000 yen. Hmmmm, isn't that just the same price? Yes, they get you to drink more -- but there's no incentive to buy a huge beer that will sit and get warm on the table. So nobody does.

Ditto at restaurants. For example, I just took this yesterday at Saizeriya, a popular chain of Italian restaurants. First, the cost of a normal order of Mozzarella and Tomato Caprese.

And now the price of the double size (which, as it turns out, is not even double in size). The astute reader with reasonable math skills will notice that 598 yen is exactly double to price of 299. So in this case, the "double" applies only to the price. PAY MORE, GET LESS. Now there's a motto to live by.

There is hope, however. While Japan is painfully slow at taking on new ideas and trying to "go it alone" to beat the competition, things are changing thanks to pressure from the increasing number of foreign companies or their Japanese reincarnations. Coffee as a consumer good changed thanks to Starbucks. Before Starbucks entered the scene, we had ONLY American and Blend coffee, and both tasted like boiled sock water. Now we have about 80% of the selection available abroad. But it wasn't until after Starbucks was everywhere and most local coffee shops had gone bankrupt that people finally stopped saying, "Starbucks will not last because Japanese people prefer Japanese style coffee shops." Clearly the Japanese are unfamiliar with the plight of the dodo bird.

I reckon that the same pressure to change will happen as Japanese retail outlets see COSTCO and other companies continue to overflow with customers from the moment they open till the moment they close, 7 days a week. Eventually Japan Inc. will start realizing that they need more customers parting with their hard earned money, and the only way they'll do that is by offering deals and giving the consumer a break on the ridiculous prices being charged. In the end, everybody wins with volume sales.

I just hope the change comes soon, because I would love to live on pizza!!

Starbucks rip-offs

Ripping off other peoples' ideas is a national pastime in Japan. But I must admit that I am tired of seeing companies here try to just mimic success instead of developing new ideas and creating a diverse market.

Hmmmm...doesn't that lettering look similar...and the logo...and the menu...(and the colour, if you were around before they changed the logo to avoid getting sued into oblivion)! Yes, Excelsior is guilty of copying the Starbucks logo...literally, guilty as charged. Starbucks was going to take them to court as per this article in the Japan times. So they had to change their colour from a "try-to-look-like-Starbucks-green" to the current shade of "avoid-a-lawsuit-blue."

It was all pretty funny when they first opened. About 8 years ago, I was meeting my buddy in Roppongi. I was waiting in Starbucks when he called to ask why I was late. I said, "Where are you?" He said he was in Starbucks. I looked and didn't see him, but he insisted he was in Starbucks. I asked him to read the logo in the shop and he said, "Why does the Starbucks sign say 'Excelsior?'" Get a new logo will you, jackasses!

Actually, Excelsior coffee used to suck, but it's not so bad now. AND you can buy a beer and sit outside and enjoy it. I guess all of this new quality came when they decided to change the colours on their logo and do something eeeeever so slightly original. When they first opened, all they had was the logo, and a menu photocopied from Starbucks. The shops were smokey and dingy, and the coffee machines they used were those little plastic automatic jobs that make coffee that tastes like the oil leaking from my car. Now they use real live coffee machines. It's not complete shite now.


Then came Tully's coffee. They were the first to have an original logo, and the coffee doesn't suck as bad as Excelsior. But they are just as guilty of stifled creativity. They have an almost identical menu of coffee drinks and snacks -- and the prices are identical pretty much to the last yen as Starbucks. I guess they haven't realized that Starbucks is the star of the industry, so they would be smart to try to just be a little cheaper. But who said that Japanese companies were smart. With 110 million people who tend not to bitch about things as much as I do, they have plenty of people who won't notice the difference.

Not that I'm absolving Starbucks Japan of their own lack of creativity and insanely high prices. Starbucks in Japan is such a rip off, they should be bitch slapped on a daily basis. And talk about a limited menu. Last time I was in Victoria in Canada the Starbucks had decent coffee, reasonable pricing, and some amazing snack foods, including a lot of healthy low-fat choices. In Japan, you get cookies and cakes and chocolate -- but only if you can afford it, and only if you have your insulin shot ready to inject.

But I'm still a fan of Starbucks, who's kidding who! Now who's going to run out and get me a foofy no-fat latte!