A Comic Look at Radiation Awareness in Japan

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You don't hear much about radiation day to day in Japan. People around the Tokyo area don't seem to care much. But my local resident's newspaper has something to say about it.

My 3.5 seconds of fame. Being a movie extra in Japan.

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This is actually something that happened a few years ago. I was asked to help out as an extra on a Japanese movie, 純喫茶磯辺. Anything is worth trying once...once and never again. But at least I got my 3.5 seconds of fame...2 seconds of which was just the camera panning along my huge nose.

A few years ago I was out for beers with one of my publishers and two girls stopped us on the street. They were desperately looking for some "gaijin" (foreigner) extras to be in a movie. The name of the movie was "Jyun Kissa Isobe" (純喫茶磯辺). It was going to be a long day of essentially free work, but my editor buddy Yoshi knew the actor and their company and said it was legit...I was off the next day...so why not. "Yes," I said.

The next day I met up with the two women scouts and the 3 other foreign guys who would also be in the VERY short scene. After lunch, we were taken to the location, which was a basement level "izakaya" (kind of a Japanese pub) just up the street.

It was strange. ALL of the extras they needed for the day were sitting squished up against the walls while the staff ran around setting up the lights and stuff. I was with one of the producers who was ultra cool. He apologized for the delays. He said it was because of the budget, which only afforded them one camera. The director seemed to have his head in the clouds a bit and seemed to be making decisions as he went along -- nobody really seemed to have a clear plan of what was going on. Which is probably why it took 12 hours to make a simple scene. Luckily, we 4 gave an Academy performance (Insert laugh track here).

Here's the clip...Free beers if you can spot me...



The main actor guy is a fairly well known "tarento" named Miyasako Hiroyuki. They say "tarento" based on the word "talent" in English. Which is pretty funny, since an extremely small percentage of tarento actually have any real talent. Most of them have what is known as an "uri" -- a salespoint. It's usually some idiotic look or catchphrase that people can copy and forget that there's no talent underlying the uri. On set, he was pretty arrogant and basically ignored everybody except the 3 actors he was working with. Seemed a bit of a douchebag really.

Other than him and the directionless director, most people on the set were cool. The guy playing the waiter you see in the clip was awesome. He's actually an ice hockey player off set and a super nice guy. The lighting people and all of the extras around us were pretty cool as well. And of course, the women who had invited me to help out were fantastic with almost perfect English.

At the end, the actress who played the main female role, Kumiko Aso, asked if we wanted to take a "kinen shashin" -- a photo to remember them by. It was a nice gesture, considering the old Italian dude in the scene kept taking flash photos even during the filming -- can't believe they didn't get the guy playing the yakuza looking extra role to knock his teeth out. So it was a nice end to a long, but pretty informative and interesting day at the movies.



Disclaimer: No actors or extras were injured or abused in the making of this movie. ..That red punch mark on Kumiko's face is make up from a previous scene.

Japan Nuclear Crisis...Part 2, coming soon to a reactor near you!

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This NY Times headline says what most of us in Japan already know -- that the corruption and lack of regulation of nuclear power stations such as the Fukushima Dai Ichi plant (map) is probably to blame for this current radiation leak and near complete disaster. And more will probably follow.

Be sure to check out the quake map video at the bottom!

Japanese Officials Ignored or Concealed Dangers.
The title of this article says it all. It was in the NY Times online May 17, 2011. It talks about a pattern of ignored warnings or defeated lawsuits attempting to shut down dangerous reactors by the power companies and the Japanese government.


This article comes as no surprise to anyone in Japan. Nobody trusts "officials" or the big corporations. How can we after repeated scandals where a company will typically deny some obvious wrongdoing, like tainted milk for example, until a few people die and it's proven beyond a doubt that the company was responsible. Then a few CEOs cry and publicly apologize. Then I guess they draw straws and the unlucky one or two invariably commit suicide to show how really really very sorry they are. And life goes on with the big guys screwing the little guys as SOP in Japan.

In this case, however, this lack of regulation has resulted in a nuclear disaster as bad as Chernobyl. They're still dumping radiation into the ocean at Fukushima...and most people think we're lucky that this is all that happened. In a country that is constantly getting large earthquakes, this scares the shit out of me. Best guesses say that there is a 70% chance of a city-flattening earthquake in the Tokyo area within the next 30 years...and I live just outside of Tokyo. Time to start thinking of an exit strategy, I think.

Oh, and a bit of cool bling.
Check this out. It's the Japan Quake Map site. It maps the Japan earthquake (the one that caused the recent tsunami) from the morning when a few small quakes happened, and through for a few weeks after. It's like watching popcorn popping. The size of the rings are the magnitude, and the color is the depth (the more shallow the quake the more destructive). Just for fun I put a red dot on the pic below so you can see where I am in relation to the main quake.

Click on the map, or here to jump to the actual quake site.

And for some extra fun, try increasing the playback speed on the top right (looks like DVD controls, but very tiny). Enjoy!

Japan Earthquake 2011

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On March 11, 2011, there was a massive earthquake and tsunami about 200KM north of where I live in Chiba. People always ask how bad the damage was in my area. Although there was a huge problem with liquefaction, my apartment wasn't bad at all as you can see below.

I was so lucky not to be in Japan when the quake hit. Instead I was watching from a condo in Manila. The quake and especially the tsunami footage being shown on NHK International was just unbelievable. There were tsunami warnings in the Philippines, although as far as I know there was no damage. Still, I stayed up on the 20th floor watching on TV until it passed.

Not long after the news about the earthquake in Japan, I found a video from a geeky-sounding guy who is in my prefecture. As I'd heard, the quake started off slow and then suddenly increased in intensity. And it was long. Based on the shaking in this video, I was fearing for the worst about the condition of my place.



As it turns out, this guy is closer to Narita, so he was inside the most severe shake zone...my place was on the other side of the shaking fence, so to speak, so I didn't see any damage, and there was only a bit of mess.

First a quick glance into my back storage room when I got in. I had the bookshelf attached to the wall (standard earthquake-prep in Japan). But I guess it didn't work as it looks like an angry poltergeist went to town on my books.


Not that the messy books mean that much. Here's a shot from my other bookshelf...and as far as I can tell, it's exactly as I left it. I'm a slob, what can I say.


Part of the problem was the polarity of the shaking -- things in a kind of West-East orientation, such as the bookshelf in the top photo or my kitchen drawers below, felt the most force. My fridge was also thrown out about a foot from the wall -- which was surprising because I have a big-ass fridge. Anyway, damage to the kitchen was minimal...just my old frying pan now with a huge dent in it. So far so good...


In fact, the only thing that broke in my place was a wine glass....that fell out of the cupboard when I got home and stupidly opened it to see if anything was broken. So after a long day of travel, I christened my apartment with about a billion tiny shards of broken glass that flew all over the floor when it smashed. DUH!



Liquefaction:
The place I live -- in fact all of the Tokyo Bay coast in Chiba -- is on "reclaimed land." This entire area used to be under water. So when a big earthquake hits, the water just reappears up through the ground in a process called "liquefaction." That caused more damage than anything else in this part of Chiba. Here's a video from my area on the day of the earthquake.



All that mud that starts to pour out as the flow gets stronger is the foundation of the parks, parking lots and other areas around Kaihin Makuhari, some of which sunk as much as 1 meter. Certain areas of that convention center are like walking on a roller coaster with all the troughs created when the ground leaked out from under the pavement.

Here's a few pics of the rollercoaster.




And an interesting point about language...I doubt there's a child in the English speaking world who would know the meaning of "liquefaction." Yet when I was out in the park, I saw a kid of about 5 years old talking to his dad about "ekitai gensho." So it seems that our linguistic skills really are a product of our environment!

Donating:
Although I was truly lucky to have been away for the quake, the tsunami and the radiation, 20,000 or so people were not so lucky. I've asked a friend who was involved in the relief effort to send me some links to reputable relief agencies. I'll update this post when I get the links.


Sakura:
Anyway, in spite of the tragic events, it was a nice day and time of the year to arrive home. Here's a shot of the cherry blossoms from my place, taken shortly after cleaning up the broken wine glass...

From Zero to 10 in Japan

Japan has definitely come a long way since I first got here 20 years ago. Then, there was one kind of coffee, one kind of burger, one kind of salad...you get the picture. Look how far we've come!

Today I walked by Lotteria -- kind of a low-rent Japanese clone of Macdonalds. You can now buy a burger with TEN patties. And for about US$11, it's not much more than a burger at a regular restaurant back home...although I'm sure not as tasty. And if I didn't want to have an artery go POP in by brain I'd try one. Actually, if you read the fine print on this poster it says "Free angioplasty with every burger!"

So I get home and I find that the only "beer" in my fridge are two non-alcoholic ones I'd bought the other day -- kind of a taste test to see which is less foul.


And check it out -- not only is the Suntory All-Free a decent tasting no-alcohol beer...it's zero calories. Holy crap. I didn't even know that zero-calorie beer existed. And I'd rather swill this stuff than diet coke, which makes me jump around like a 10-balled billy goat after drinking too many due to all the caffeine.

So Japan is starting to offer some choices. Nothing compared to what you can find in the US, Thailand or pretty much everywhere else -- but still much improved compared to before. From the world's first 10-patty burger to a zero calorie beer.

Cheers!

Mt. Fuji from the workplace

The view from my classroom is good on any given sunny day. But now that the cold weather is clearing the mist, it just keeps getting better and better.

This is the view from my classroom / office window this morning. Photos never do Fuji justice -- but it's really a beautiful sight!

What's that off to the right?


Yup, that's Fuji.


Still can't see it?


Not yet? Man, get some glasses!


And in super zoom...



Meanwhile, my students are oblivious as they practice speaking English...

Freddy Krueger spotted in Chiba, Japan!

People seem to spot Elvis all over the planet. Well, I've found Freddy!

Back in 1984, the horror series "A Nightmare on Elm Street" was a huge hit. It featured the horribly burned Freddy Krueger. He would appear in your dreams and if he killed you there, you died for real. Well, yesterday I ran into my artist buddy, David, channeling Freddy in his hat and sweater. 9, 10, never sleep again!
Click to enlarge photo

And just for those too young to have seen Freddy on screen, here's the rhyme that went with the movie...Sweet dreams!

One, two; Freddy's coming for you

Three, four; better lock your doors

Five, six; grab a crucifix

Seven, eight; gonna stay up late

Nine, ten; never sleep again

How to be an asshole at Disneyland

It takes some talent to be an asshole by accident. I've now done it twice...at Disneyland no less. There's just something about annoying young couples that brings out the worst in me

In my 4th year in Japan -- about 14 years ago -- me and an old girlfriend decided to go to Disneyland. The lineup for Splash Mountain was huge -- almost 90 minutes. And for the entire time we had a rather annoying couple behind us. Actually, the girl wasn't annoying -- just her date. He spent most of the time talking about where she should point her face so they could get a nice "kinen shashin" (記念写真) -- a commemorative photo of their date. So I was secretly thrilled when I saw the photos. I never would have bought this if not for the fact that I found it hilarious.



Check out how he made sure he had his arm around her (which is not easy to do on that drop off!) At least I was nice enough not to block her face out.

But then a few weeks ago, one of my oldest friends, Mike Kurucz, came to visit from Port Alberni. He wanted to see what Disneyland would sound like with everything in Japanese, so away we went. And once again we got a hopeful young couple behind us...and again the talk about the kinen photo. Luckily, being an asshole at Disneyland is something shared by all Canadians, and so we both managed to pretty much ruin the photo hopes of the guy behind us.



Interestingly, I just realized that my receding hairline was the same then as it is now. While it sucked having that hairline when I was young -- at least it's not getting much worse. Bonus!

And if you're wondering what Disney sounds like in Japanese, here's a clip from the electric parade. Who's kidding who, even at 44, I still love Disneyland!

Spring in Japan

I am an admittedly miserable git in the winter in Japan. It's cold here. There's no such thing as central heating. It gets dark before 5PM. And it's cloudy all the time. Then one day the blossoms come out. And the sun. And it warms up. As do I!

OK, I'll try to keep this one short. Not my usual long winded spiel. These pics speak for themselves. You can see what it's like around where I live.

First, here are a few pics from my balcony. You can see my cool made-in-china balcony table where I'll have my morning espresso. And it's just warm enough in the morning to start doing that.

Pictures not enough? OK, here are 33 seconds in living colour.

One thing I love about my apartment is that it's long and fairly narrow -- basically the same design as the short 5-storey one in this next picture. Which is basically the same as 99% of other "danchi" (団地) in Japan. I have windows on both sides, so I get direct sunlight from sun up to sun down.

Anyway, this next pic is from the other side of my place, from the bedroom window. The high rise buildings in the back are quite new and nice. It's like New York at night -- all lit up and gorgeous. So even with my low rent, I get a great view. They, however, do not. In spite of their high rent, they have to look at our plain-Jane danchi. I think I definitely have the better deal here.



And now a few perspective shots. These are from the road below my apartment. The first one is just a shot of the sakura trees. And the other pic is looking up at my apartment. I'm on the top floor on the leftmost end.

If you've never seen Japan in spring, think about taking a few days stop over next time you're flying over us. It's a fun place to visit!

NO REGI BUKURO

Japan is always said to be a land of contradiction. Foreigners also often say that they feel that Japanese society is a bit cold. Well, I found an example of both while going through the checkout at the local supermarket... No Regi Bukuro!!

Yesterday I stopped by the fairly large supermarket on my way home to get a few things. While waiting for the checkout, I saw a woman in front of me take a small cardboard sign, about 10cm X 8cm. and put it on top of her shopping basket. Hmmmm....what could that be, I thought. This is what it was:

The blue lettering at the top says "No Regi Bukuro"...ie, No plastic bags! Then in white, it says, "For customers who do not need plastic bags, please put this card in your cart." It's to promote the "My bag" notion of people bringing their own cloth shopping bags to reduce plastic use. I applaud this effort from a country that loves packaging. As an example, if you buy a package of cookies, each one will be individually wrapped in plastic. Several will be put into a larger plastic package, and several of these are put on a hard plastic tray. These are then packaged with the brand package. And all of this typically ends up in a plastic shopping bag. So by at least eliminating the shopping bags, they are 1/6th closer to reducing plastic waste. Kudos!

Now for my usual armchair critic opinion of this...

First, I think it's a nice example of contradiction in Japan. Not because of what they are doing, but because of how they are doing it. I mean, why create a dozen of these cards for each cash register -- using paper and plastic and paint -- for every cash register in every major supermarket in Japan? If people don't need bags, all they have to do is say, "No bags, please." Instead, they are reducing plastic in order to make more room in the incinerators for these cards. "Let's reduce garbage by making more." Ok, the cards are not used on the same scale, I admit. But the contradiction still exists, as does the foolishness of whoever created cards when all people have to do is say "No."

Which brings me to a small insight into Japanese communication. The cards are not at the front of the queue -- they are right at the register. In fact, you almost have to ask the check out girl to move your basket in order to take one and put it in your basket as she's already removing items and checking them. It's nice to know that Japanese people are equally cold to their own, and not just to the foreign community. I've been going to to the same sports club every week for the last 2 years, and still they greet me as if it's the first time they've ever seen my face. But they do that to the Japanese customers, too.

Interestingly, when teaching this kind of "transactional" language in English, corpus studies show that just as important as the language needed to shop is the language needed to small talk, as friendly interactions are a part of daily community life, even between strangers. I've found this to be true pretty much everywhere I've ever travelled. This shopping card device is almost an institutional encouragement NOT to be friendly, and NOT to interact verbally.

Never a dull moment in Japan, kids!

For the record, I would say that Japanese society is cold, not the people. As an example, a student of mine got a job at a family restaurant near the university, "Big Boy." I was in there for a few hours working on my computer late at night and watched the manager teach her how to serve customers. She had to repeat a highly formalized and ritualized set of utterances -- no room for smiles or anything but business. And she must have done it about 200 times. At school, she was a fun and friendly person. Lots of smiles. But to customers, she's a drone. As with a lot of service personnel, she's been more or less brainwashed that there's no place for civility in a business transaction.

I hope this will change soon!! I could use with a few more smiles when I'm shopping :)

How to wash your butt in Japan

Japan is famous for using English in ways that have no meaning in advertising and on T-shirts. While this Japlish is funny, I find myself more interested in examples of correct English grammar.

To quote a once-famous TV commercial, "You've come a long way baby!" When I first arrived in Japan, finding a grammatically correct English sentence was about as likely as finding a good espresso. They just didn't exist. Everything was a bastardized form of English known as Japlish. There are plenty of sites out there that contain some hilarious examples.

Things have changed since then. Every year more signs, menus, instructions are at least grammatically correct. But I still find them pretty hilarious. For instance, I got a kick out of these explanations at a "washlet" toilet in Narita International Airport. For those of you who have never been to Japan, a washlet is a toilet with a heated seat and a rocket-ship control panel beside it that allows you to shoot warm water to clean your bum (you can, of course, control the temperature). You can then turn on an air dryer that dries you off. No chafing, no fuss, no muss. It's like a car wash for your ass.

Anyway, I found the explanation hilariously literal, especially the "washing the rear" and "rear washing stopped." It's quite typically Japanese to give too much information, to the point where it's almost insulting. Great vocabulary choices, however.

Advertising has also changed. (Almost) gone are the days of strings of "feel good" words like, Fuzzy furry bunnies we are love to everyone with happy dream. Now you can read complete sentences. But it still maintains a certain Japanese flair to it. Like, f'rinstance, this can of chu-hai. Chu-hai is a mix of Korean sho-chu alcohol with some kind of fruit mix. Yes, it's a bit foofy, but they go down as easy as fruit juice, and I can count it as a serving of fruit, as they have grapefruit chunks in them. Nutritionally intoxicating!


While the main slogan was fine, "Enjoy the refreshing real Japanese taste," I found the subtext on the "Samurai Chu-Hi" to be pretty chucklatious: "A samurai never breaks his word." The implication here is that if you drink this, you will have all of the character and integrity of a Japanese Samurai. And all the marketing savvy of an company that puts their most ethnically distinctive label on a can of Korean alcohol. Kudos!


OK, now that I'm writing all this here, it's lost its initial humorous impact, which probably means I was already nutritionally intoxicated when I wrote it. I'll try to find something a bit more refreshingly real to post next time around.

STOP THE PRESSES!

OK, I think I spoke too soon. Here's a sign from the bathroom in the city hall building I found today. Looks like they have a ways to go still.

And shortly after leaving city hall, I went to Starbucks where a girl was wearing a sweatshirt with grammatically perfect, but nevertheless wacky Japanese.

Ravishing Virgins Are of The Same Mind

A perfect candidate sentence to prove why Chomsky's Transformational Generative Grammar is bullocks.

Japanese Taxes: What do I get for my tax yen?

I recently complained in a blog entry about the huge waste of taxes being used to support an amazingly inefficient public sector. And so it was an ironic turn of events when I found myself seeing the benefits of my taxes even as I was on my way to pay a late tax claim.

In a recent blog entry I tore a strip out of the inefficiency of the Japanese public sector. Having to watch 11 people getting paid to do one address change for me was just too annoying to ignore. So you can imagine my frustration when I got my notice a few months ago that the Oami tax office had neglected to take almost $5,000 of taxes from my pay a few years ago. I found out this gem when I was in getting the papers I needed to apply for my permanent residence visa. There's nothing quite so infuriating as paying a lump sum of cash at an office where half of the staff is chatting, slurping noodles at their desk, and mistakes are made at every turn.

But then I had a small revelation. And it came, rather coincidentally, when I was taking out money to pay this very tax bill. How much money? Well, as shown in the photo, it was about $2,500 (￥250,000) for this installment. Is this a lot of money? Well, it's not chicken feed, but it's not a lot...not in Japan. What is notable about this photo is that it is not a check or a bank transfer. It’s cash. Cold, hard cash that I withdrew from a convenience store ATM. At midnight, no less. And I put it in my wallet and walked home. Alone. Can you imagine doing that in any other country in the world? I certainly can’t. Not without an armed escort, anyway. But in Japan, walking around with cash is no problem because Japan is so safe.

Ok, I admit. I was careful when I took the money out, thanks to my residual paranoia from being raised in a country where most people won’t even walk around with $250 in their wallet, let alone $2,500. So I made sure that the 7-eleven was mostly empty when I took out the money, and I did keep an eye on one guy who happened to be walking about 100m behind me. But mostly what was on my mind was, "Holy shit! I would NEVER do this in another country." It was a reminder that Japan is safe. It's so safe that I don't even think about it. Indeed, if you asked a Japanese person what are the "safe" and "unsafe" parts of Tokyo, I don't think they could give you an answer. Every place is safe. At least out on the streets. A lot of people seem to knife and hack their family and neighbors up in the privacy of their own home, but if you're walking in public, you can do so with no worries.

So I suppose in the end, I have something to be thankful about my tax money, or at least for having chosen to spend most of my adult life in Japan. In fact, it was really painful paying this tax bill. But I have to remember that I'm not just paying the salary of the guy with the 60s' hairdo picking his nose over his noodles at his desk at the Ooami Tax Office (yes, witnessed with my own eyes), I'm also paying for a system that allows me to work in a safe and secure environment. And you can't put a price on safety. So thanks for that one Japan. I owe you.

Idiot Gaijin

Many of my posts are observations about modern Japanese society from the point of view of a foreign resident. This time, I'm turning the gun on my own kind...IDIOT GAIJIN

Today I was watching some news online only to find this video about an IDIOT GAIJIN who went swimming in the moat around the Imperial Palace in Tokyo...NAKED. Yes, this is the palace of the very much loved and respected Japanese Emperor Akihito and the Imperial Family. I can hardly think of a more insulting and disrespectful thing that a foreigner could do in Japan. But it's a testament to just how forgiving our Japanese hosts are that nobody shot or beat the guy. In fact, the one man they interviewed was so reserved, I realized how lucky we are here some times, and just how patient the locals are when we do IDIOTIC things (and all of us gaijin here do stupid shit from time to time; I'm no exception).

Here's the video (it's from Reuters so give it about 40 seconds before it shows on the screen).

NEWSFLASH FOR SIMILAR IDIOT GAIJIN:
Japan is our home too. And most of us living here try our best to at least SHOW respect, even if we are critical at times. Every time an IDIOT GAIJIN decides to make a huge shouting scene in public, or hit a car on the hood that's driven too close or decides to get butt naked and take a dip in the Imperial Family's back yard, you are insulting the Japanese. And that's just rude. If you're crazy, then get your pasty white ass out of Japan and back to whatever country didn't want you in the first place.

In addition to just being a moron, this IDIOT GAIJIN raised racial tension with one stupid act on national television. As many foreign residents write about in blogs, it can be VERY difficult to live in Japan sometimes when you're not Japanese. One of my colleagues recently was on the verge of signing a rental agreement when the landlord suddenly decided that she just didn't want a "gaijin" living in her apartment. Imagine the shit that would hit the fan in Canada if some white guy said, "Sorry, no Asians allowed." You'd be sued in a heartbeat. But here in Japan, it's par for the course.

And in a more recent example, today I went into the AEON bank to ask about getting a home loan for the apartment I want to buy. A very modest loan on a very cheap apartment. They kindly explained everything to me...but in the end said that I had to wait until I got a permanent residence status before I could apply. The fact that I have been here for 17 years, have a steady job and I make three times as much as most of the young salarymen they typically lend insane amounts of money to means nothing. I'm not Japanese. End of story. Did I get angry? Not at all. They were super nice to me, and this is Japan. If I don't like it, then I can get my pasty white ass back to Canada. Do I wish this situation would change? Yes, 100%. But it will NEVER change as long as fucking idiots like this Spanish pendejo retard keep doing stunts like this in Japan.

I'm embarrassed to be thought of as being the same as this chingon. I almost don't want to leave my apartment today. What a jackass!

The Japanese recession explained!

Japan has been in a prolonged stagnant economy since I first arrived here 17 years ago. Even the global economic boom of the mid 2000's didn't help. The Economist says that the never-ending financial funk is because "the other main pillar of demand -- private consumption -- seems in no position to take up the slack... contracting by 0.5% in the second quarter." Hey, don't blame the consumer! Blame it on the daily practices of local businesses, who seem to be the only on the planet who have never heard the catch phrase, "Volume, volume, volume!!"

One of the unique things about Japanese consumer goods is that they rarely aim at volume sales. Instead, most stores aim at selling just a few products, but at a ridiculous profit margin. Need proof? Check out the price of this Mango, which I found at the airport this year down in Kagoshima (southern Japan).

Yes, you're seeing that correctly -- that's $200 for a freakin' mango! And it doesn't contain a hidden diamond or a small stash of cocaine. It's just a beautiful, perfectly overpriced piece of fruit. And somebody will pay for this insanely value added item to bring as a souvenir to impress some boss who probably doesn't even like mango. But it's expensive, which in Japan, means it must be good.

OK, that may be a bad example. Most people don't buy this kind of fruit any more. So let's look at something more normal. Take pizza, for example. A large pizza here at any delivery place typically costs about $US30. Even for my relatively cheap all-time favourite, Ham and Pineapple, it's $27. That's a lot of money for discount pizza compared to the rest of the world. This is particularly true for for students and pathetic bachelors, the target audience of any respectable pizza place. This would explain why I've never been to a home party where people just order pizza. It's too expensive.

Enter my old friend Saki, who used to work for an ad agency. On a group ski vacation, she once asked the foreigners in the group for an idea of how to make her client, Pizza Hut, more competitive in Japan. As we guessed, they had the same slumping sales as every other pizza place. Why? Because they have virtually the same menu, pricing structure and promotions as every other pizza place in town. So we suggested they do 2-for-1. Try to win the market share by going for lower profit margin, but with huge volume sales -- which was very successful for many smaller pizza places in North America. "No, we can't do that here in Japan," was the only answer we got. And so the recession rolls along unimpeded. And we continue to order our pizza at COSTCO, where we get a extremely tasty HUGE pizza for about $US13.

Eventually, I started seeing "W" (double) sizes on menus and pitchers of beer in bars. "Things are looking up, " I thought. But when we did the math, we saw that a 0.5 liter beer was 500 yen. And a 2 liter pitcher was 2,000 yen. Hmmmm, isn't that just the same price? Yes, they get you to drink more -- but there's no incentive to buy a huge beer that will sit and get warm on the table. So nobody does.

Ditto at restaurants. For example, I just took this yesterday at Saizeriya, a popular chain of Italian restaurants. First, the cost of a normal order of Mozzarella and Tomato Caprese.

And now the price of the double size (which, as it turns out, is not even double in size). The astute reader with reasonable math skills will notice that 598 yen is exactly double to price of 299. So in this case, the "double" applies only to the price. PAY MORE, GET LESS. Now there's a motto to live by.

There is hope, however. While Japan is painfully slow at taking on new ideas and trying to "go it alone" to beat the competition, things are changing thanks to pressure from the increasing number of foreign companies or their Japanese reincarnations. Coffee as a consumer good changed thanks to Starbucks. Before Starbucks entered the scene, we had ONLY American and Blend coffee, and both tasted like boiled sock water. Now we have about 80% of the selection available abroad. But it wasn't until after Starbucks was everywhere and most local coffee shops had gone bankrupt that people finally stopped saying, "Starbucks will not last because Japanese people prefer Japanese style coffee shops." Clearly the Japanese are unfamiliar with the plight of the dodo bird.

I reckon that the same pressure to change will happen as Japanese retail outlets see COSTCO and other companies continue to overflow with customers from the moment they open till the moment they close, 7 days a week. Eventually Japan Inc. will start realizing that they need more customers parting with their hard earned money, and the only way they'll do that is by offering deals and giving the consumer a break on the ridiculous prices being charged. In the end, everybody wins with volume sales.

I just hope the change comes soon, because I would love to live on pizza!!

Starbucks rip-offs

Ripping off other peoples' ideas is a national pastime in Japan. But I must admit that I am tired of seeing companies here try to just mimic success instead of developing new ideas and creating a diverse market.

Hmmmm...doesn't that lettering look similar...and the logo...and the menu...(and the colour, if you were around before they changed the logo to avoid getting sued into oblivion)! Yes, Excelsior is guilty of copying the Starbucks logo...literally, guilty as charged. Starbucks was going to take them to court as per this article in the Japan times. So they had to change their colour from a "try-to-look-like-Starbucks-green" to the current shade of "avoid-a-lawsuit-blue."

It was all pretty funny when they first opened. About 8 years ago, I was meeting my buddy in Roppongi. I was waiting in Starbucks when he called to ask why I was late. I said, "Where are you?" He said he was in Starbucks. I looked and didn't see him, but he insisted he was in Starbucks. I asked him to read the logo in the shop and he said, "Why does the Starbucks sign say 'Excelsior?'" Get a new logo will you, jackasses!

Actually, Excelsior coffee used to suck, but it's not so bad now. AND you can buy a beer and sit outside and enjoy it. I guess all of this new quality came when they decided to change the colours on their logo and do something eeeeever so slightly original. When they first opened, all they had was the logo, and a menu photocopied from Starbucks. The shops were smokey and dingy, and the coffee machines they used were those little plastic automatic jobs that make coffee that tastes like the oil leaking from my car. Now they use real live coffee machines. It's not complete shite now.


Then came Tully's coffee. They were the first to have an original logo, and the coffee doesn't suck as bad as Excelsior. But they are just as guilty of stifled creativity. They have an almost identical menu of coffee drinks and snacks -- and the prices are identical pretty much to the last yen as Starbucks. I guess they haven't realized that Starbucks is the star of the industry, so they would be smart to try to just be a little cheaper. But who said that Japanese companies were smart. With 110 million people who tend not to bitch about things as much as I do, they have plenty of people who won't notice the difference.

Not that I'm absolving Starbucks Japan of their own lack of creativity and insanely high prices. Starbucks in Japan is such a rip off, they should be bitch slapped on a daily basis. And talk about a limited menu. Last time I was in Victoria in Canada the Starbucks had decent coffee, reasonable pricing, and some amazing snack foods, including a lot of healthy low-fat choices. In Japan, you get cookies and cakes and chocolate -- but only if you can afford it, and only if you have your insulin shot ready to inject.

But I'm still a fan of Starbucks, who's kidding who! Now who's going to run out and get me a foofy no-fat latte!

Japanese banks: Reinventing the wheel

（日本語文は、下にあります）

What do these images above have in common?? Everything. The banks in Japan, in spite of having a reputation of being technologically advanced, still run as if they were operating in Bedrock City, with Barney chipping out new accounts in a block of stone. I was reminded of this not long ago when I needed to unlock a frozen bank account. The Economist says that Japanese service industries were 80% less efficient than their foreign counterparts in 2002. It seems that not much as changed since then, as this simple banking task demonstrated.

Talk to any foreigner living in Japan, and you'll soon be told of a "banking experience from hell." The staggering inconvenience and out-of-date services are enough to drive anybody mad. And not just foreigners; the Japanese people hate the banking system here, too.

The main complaints are about the inconvenience and inefficiency of the system. I always considered it inefficient because you have to fill out your name, address, contact details, plus a full family tree and the flavour of your favourite ice cream every time you do a transaction. You learn to live with it, but there are limits. And I discovered my personal limit a few months ago dealing with MUFG: Mitsubishi Tokyo UFJ Bank.

I joined MUFG (which should, if truth be told, be labelled OMFG!) when I moved to my new place here in May. It was the usual banking system: It took forever to open an account, I was hassled to buy their multi-card, and it took over a week to get my bank card. But once the account was opened, it was business as usual. And their online banking worked well, so I was quite happy.

Then I went to Canada for the summer. When I finally returned to Japan I tried to take out money from the ATM. I must have made a mistake inputting my security PIN, because I got the "3 incorrect password attempts...3 strikes you're OUT" message. WTF? Well, no big deal. I was thinking ... I'll just stroll in tomorrow, show my identification and they'll reopen the account. I should have given myself an uppercut for being so naive. But it helped clarify the IDIOTIC rules that govern the system we use here.

--------------------------
and here they are. The...

Top 4 IDIOTIC Pre-historic Japanese Banking Rules

Starting with...

IDIOTIC Banking Rule No. 4:
Three Strikes per GAME, not per up-to-bat

As it turns out, there are some things that I did not know about the new improved security at Mitsubishi Tokyo UFJ. First, according to my bank teller that day, they will lock out your bank account if you make a mistake 3 times inputting your PIN...EVER! That is, even if you make a mistake and then correctly access your account, the counter does not reset. So, if in the course of a year, your finger slips 3 times, your card becomes invalid. OMFG!

IDIOTIC Banking Rule No. 3:
A $1.50 plastic stamp is considered more secure than your photo ID

Inkan Please!
My $1.50 plastic stamp is all that stands between a thief and my money.

The second thing you need to know about Japanese banks is that it's not enough to show your driver's license, passport and ID card. In fact, none of that is necessary, as I was told when I went in to unfreeze my account. What you do need is your personal stamp or "inkan." Mine is made of plastic. I paid about $1.50 for it at a convenience store 16 years ago. The character on the stamp reads "Maki" (牧) which was the closest sound they could find to "Mike." It means something like "pasture" or "ranch" -- which is kind of cool -- but it's not my name. So it is this $1.50 plastic stamp that is the pinnacle of security precautions in Japan. Unfortunately, I hadn't brought my stamp that day, so I had to come back after the weekend. All this time still trying to live off the $50 I had left in my apartment before I left. OMFG...

IDIOTIC Banking Rule No. 2:
To unlock your account, you must make a NEW bank card

As I trotted into the bank that day, confident I would have my card unfrozen, I was told that I had to ...wait for it...reapply for an entirely new card. So out came the application forms. Yes, it's always good practice for my Japanese to fill out my address details in triplicate -- but I was getting writer's cramp by the end of it. And I got stomach cramps when they told me it was going to take 3 weeks for my card to arrive by registered mail. At least they were accurate with that -- 3 weeks almost to the day. 3 weeks with no direct access to my money unless I went in there with my $1.50 Fred Flintstone stamp. Thank god for CITIBANK, where I also have an account and was able to time travel to the 21st century and access my money without the aforementioned plastic stamp.

and finally...

IDIOTIC Banking Rule No. 1:
The ultimate irony in banking security:
Everybody in the bank can see your new PIN number

And here comes the best part. First, to summarize...In the name of banking security, my card was locked out, I had to reapply for a new card, and I had to wait 3 weeks for it to arrive by registered mail. So after all this hassle in the name of security, I was told to WRITE my PIN number on paper in front of some 20-year-old bank teller girl. She openly stared at my new number. She then passed the form back to some other guy behind her, who eventually sent it to a chain of other people for input. They probably let the cleaning lady who was working behind the desks have a peek at my number as well. Perhaps I should just post it here in this blog, as who knows how many other people have already seen it anyway.

I wrote to the bank the rather long letter below trying to explain just how retarded this situation is. I suggested that they adopt less prehistoric security measures, and step boldly from the dark ages to join the rest of the international banking community with the use of key-in pads for customer security codes. After all, if my bank account gets accessed illegally, do they have any way of knowing that the 60-year-old cleaning lady was not in cahoots with organized crime? OK, I didn't say that to them...but the point remains that the less people who know your code, the better. And after all the hoops I was made to jump through in the name of security, actually having to show a dozen people my PIN number made me quite sure that the genius who actually designed their security system should either be fired, or given a lesson in basic logic.

Thank you, but we'll be the judge of that!

To their credit,Mitsubishi Tokyo UFJ Bank did reply when I wrote them. They said, "Yes, this was certainly an inconvenience for you...we'll pass along your concern to somebody right away." That's Japanese for "Screw you -- we'll be the judge of how we run our bank, thank you very much." Thanks, and once more for the record WFT and OMFG.

My advice to those thinking of living in Japan and opening a bank account:

Bring extra Valium!

NOTE May 18, 2011: I just found a blog post from a fellow Canadian who also has high blood pressure due to the UFJ Bank.

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And now, for my Japanese friends, here is the letter I sent, and the response I got from them.

上の書き込みは、三菱東京UFJ銀行と日本の銀行のセキュリティーシステムなどについての苦情です。この間、暗証番号の問題で、再発行の手続きなどが大変だったし、暗証番号が店員に丸見えだったし、カードが届くまで３週間以上かかったから、次の手紙を送信した。それから、三菱東京UFJ銀行からのメールも下に乗せます。皆さん！銀行の口座を開くときに、店員が暗証番号が見えることに対して、苦情を言ってくださいね！！

私からのメール：

この間暗証番号の間違えでカードがロックされました。三菱東京UFJの方でカード再発行の手続きをし、説明もありました。この経験に対して、いくつかのコメントがあります。

１. 暗証番号を３回間違えた場合のロック解除システムについて。

日本に来てから１５年間で一度もカードロックされたことはありませんでしたが今回が始めてでした。理由は、ハッキリと分からないのですが、もしかして暗証番号ミスを３回したら、その間にカードが正しく使われたにも関わらず、ロックされたかもしれません。最近セキュリティを厳しくしないといけないことは、よく理解しているので、これから、間違いがないように気を付けて暗証番号を入力しようと思っています。

しかし、万が一ロックされた場合は、もう少し効率的、経済的なロック解除システムを使って欲しいです。今回、また、再発行の書類、印鑑など、かなり手間がかかることをしなければいけなかったので自分のせいだと分かっていても、何でこんなに面倒な手間がかかる手続きが必要なのかと思ってしまいました。しかも、カードが届くまで、自分のお金を簡単に引き出せないので、非常に不便です。

会社のほうからみても、書類の印刷代や、カードの再発行や発送料などコストがかかります。この時代遅れの解除システムをやめて、もう少し効率的なシステムを採用した方がいいのではないでしょうか。例えば、ロックされた際、身分証明書を２枚持っていって銀行員がその場でロックを解除したら、お客さんのほうでも、会社のほうでも楽ですし、セキュリティも十分に守られています。しかも、解除作業の間に二人目、三人目が入らず、手続きミスが防げるでしょう。

2. セキュリティについて

三菱東京UFJからの説明書や取り扱い書でも、Onlineの説明でも（http://direct.bk.mufg.jp/secure/index.html）、銀行員の説明でもセキュリティという言葉が何回も聞きます。要するに、三菱東京UFJにとってはセキュリティは大事に思っているはずです。だったら、なぜ再発行の書類を記入するときに行員の目の前で暗証番号を書く必要があるのか疑問に思います。しかも、その店員だけではなく、裏のスタッフでも簡単に見えるので、もし口座の不良なアクセスがあった場合、必ずしも三菱東京UFJのスタッフではなかったとは言えません。

私は、三菱東京UFJ以外に他の銀行を利用しています。夏にカナダに帰って口座を開いたときも、幕張のCitibankで暗証番号を設定したときも、行員が暗証番号を見ることもかく、書類に書く必要もありませんでした。プラスチック製のカバーがついたキーボードを客さんに渡すことによって、お客さん以外に見えない状態で、お客さん本人が暗証番号をその場で入力します。もし三菱東京UFJは本当に意味のある厳しいセキュリティを確保したいなら、書類／印鑑システムをやめて、お客さんにしか見えない入力システムを採用したほうが安全だと思います。

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そして、三菱東京UFJからの回答

三菱東京ＵＦＪダイレクトをご利用いただき誠にありがとうございます。 お問い合わせいただきました件について回答を申し上げます。 このたびは、キャッシュカード再発行に関しまして大変ご不便を おかけしております。

キャッシュカード再発行手続きならびに、暗証番号設定時の セキュリティについて、貴重なご意見をありがとうございました。 お客さまのご要望として担当部門にお伝えさせていただきます。 また、何かお気づきの点がございましたらお気軽に下記まで お問い合わせください。 今後とも、三菱東京ＵＦＪダイレクトをご愛顧くださいますよう お願い申し上げます。 三菱東京ＵＦＪダイレクト（旧東京三菱）

皆、どう思いますか？